“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“We didn’t know each other, but that didn’t stop me from ignoring him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.” — Jarod Kintz Farmer Copy Share Image
“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt on.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish all the lobbyists on K Street would drown in alphabet soup.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.” — Jarod Kintz Cloning Copy Share Image
“If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“How many midgets does it take to take over the world? I’m not sure, but I’d guess twice as many.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You said you were leaving me, and I said, “When are you coming back?” You said,… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you… — Jarod Kintz Fantasy world Copy Share Image
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“He said he had an English degree, and I said, “I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people… — Jarod Kintz Jobless Copy Share Image
“As early as 1,000 BC, man had to wait nearly 3,000 years to talk to me. And my first words to the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’ll be here.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.” — Jarod Kintz Adrenaline Copy Share Image
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.” — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
