“No bears were molested in the making of this book. Well, no live bears.” — Jarod Kintz Bears Copy Share Image
“I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare. ” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.” — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Last minute Copy Share Image
“The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.” — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was really uncomfortable floating on that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If someone asks you what the most popular form of transportation is, before you jump to car, you might want to ask… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not enough to be the best. You also have to be seen by the most. A masterpiece painting hanging in the… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and… — Jarod Kintz Blended Copy Share Image
“I can’t do a round off, but I can round off to the nearest back handspring.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.” — Jarod Kintz Power Copy Share Image
“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have as much style as a turnstile. Thrust your hips into me.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.” — Jarod Kintz Gentlemanly Copy Share Image
“I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please do.” — Jarod Kintz Fleece Copy Share Image
“A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
