“I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need convincing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.” — Jarod Kintz Schadenfreude Copy Share Image
“Too much much is a dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as danger itself.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas, because that's all you see. Oh, and I used a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be… — Jarod Kintz Patronizing Copy Share Image
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I plant the “flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Which is more valuable into showing how I think: the order I think of things, or the order in which I arrange… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t look for faces in clouds, I look for clouds in faces. And the best place to look is at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to find the Fountain of Youth, because I’m searching for the Fountain of Wisdom. The last time I thought… — Jarod Kintz Fountain of youth Copy Share Image
“Knowing more people is not important in growing your business. However, more people knowing you is the key to wealth. Be a… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off me.” — Jarod Kintz Erupt Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.” — Jarod Kintz Geography Copy Share Image
“I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think? — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.” — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.” — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’d punch a guy that likes a girl 16 years younger. Especially if that guy was 18 years old.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It seems that in love, I have no match. It also seems that with firewood, I have no match.” — Jarod Kintz Firewood Copy Share Image
“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
