“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“He was a cheeky bastard, especially when he talked with a thong in his mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Cheeky Copy Share Image
“Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted,… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.” — Jarod Kintz Alibis Copy Share Image
“When I told her my love would stop her tears from falling, she started laughing. She laughed so hard she started crying.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t sell you while you’re trying to sell me. So how about we just talk and call it networking?” — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“When you pee in the sink, you don’t have to flush. Your hands are also right there, so you have no excuse… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians… — Jarod Kintz Good ideas Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied.… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If I woke up naked in bed with a strange British woman, my first thought would be, “How’d I get in England?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant trunk is a metaphor for a penis. But not just any penis—my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“OK isn’t just all right—it’s also the abbreviation for the state above Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wink and a glance walk into a bar. I know because I saw it out of the corner of my eye.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.” — Jarod Kintz Christ Copy Share Image
“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Water is nearly invisible. So is my love. Drink it in, but don’t choke on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)” — Jarod Kintz Homosexuality Copy Share Image
“Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My resume speaks for itself, so to speak. I recorded it on a tape recorder.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
