Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please, come in. Let me open the air conditioning vent so you can squeeze through.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If rubber bands played basketball, I’d tell them, You have to be better down the stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I went to see a doctor. I woke up with a sore throat, congested sinuses, and invisibility. But when I got… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be hidden in the dirt, for future archaeologists to dig up and declare, “Wow! This was one advanced society.” ” — Jarod Kintz Archaeologists Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My book is a light read. Seriously, it probably weighs 3.33 ounces. That’s pretty impressive, considering it’s an ebook.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I ended up with the nomination, and the breasts to back up the voter’s confidence in me as a woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“Both sexes have assholes, and both sexes have nipples. Yet only asshole is a genderless derogatory term. In the name of equality… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I get Gulliver’s Travels and Thousand Island dressing mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Gulliver Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, like if he’s barefoot or not.” — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“My face looks different now that I got the boundaries redrawn by an experienced cartographer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.” — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.” — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
