“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m in like Flynn, as the saying goes. But why is it going? It just got here.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The name’s Jamello. That’s my last name—and my first name. And yes, I am a hermaphrodite.” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“I’ll agree with you if you promise to argue with me. That’s what love is, right?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There should be a language called Nail, so I could more naturally say, “My nail is a bit rusty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.” — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer… — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Chameleon Copy Share Image
“During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“My body had some sort of reaction to my erection, and the only thing I could think to do was vigorously rub… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I have extremely great aim when it comes to peeing. I can, for instance, manage to not splash a single drop on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drew a self-portrait of myself, drawn with my eyes closed from a memory someone else may or may not have had… — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the going gets tough, the tough give thanks for their mountain bike. I’m so rugged even cavemen would call me Xtreme.… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“A mustache on a stick would not only be tastier than a popsicle, but ticklier too.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I’ll wear a fork on my head, and if anybody wants a job, they can eat salad off my scalp.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I’m a lamb.” — Jarod Kintz Cage Copy Share Image
“I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to sell tickets.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“Call me Red Thunder. My partner, Silent Lightning, is invisible, but noisy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The flag was waving in the wind. Now whether it was waving hello or goodbye, I do not know.” — Jarod Kintz Flag waving Copy Share Image
“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm full of surprises. I'm also full of semen—and sometimes that's the surprise. ” — Jarod Kintz Semen Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Colors Copy Share Image
“Sword and words—same letters, and same ability to cut down.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
