“Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man was choking, what would I do? Well, I’d remove my penis from his throat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’ll take your pamphlet. I need to fill up my trashcan anyway.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that… — Jarod Kintz Competition Copy Share Image
“I have thin lips, like two rose petals on top of each other, and I would say I have a Roman nose,… — Jarod Kintz Latin Copy Share Image
“I don’t know the man standing next to me in the mirror. He looks like me, so is he my clone? He… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break),… — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t… — Jarod Kintz Running Copy Share Image
“Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and… — Jarod Kintz Feeling depressed Copy Share Image
“Most people walk along the beach hoping to find a fossilized Megalodon shark’s tooth or something. But not me. I walk along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a mad scientist, I’d use a brick in an angry way. And if I were a mad scientist, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to study graphic design, because I wanted to work in an office with designer desks, ergonomic chairs, pool tables, and… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be employed to keep the people standing in the unemployment line warm. Well, they could be, if the people weren’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it comes all scratched and dented, then no matter what you do, unless you buff and polish it, it always looks… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The quickest way to become an interesting person is to show interest in others.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I explore my subconscious the way Cousteau explored the sea: with a scuba tank and a smile.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A backpack could be a sleeping bag for a midget—or a hatch, a hatchback.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Things should go where I intend them to go, not where I tend to put them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I tap my car’s brakes, my horn beeps. Don’t make me flick on my windshield wipers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.” — Jarod Kintz Dolphin Copy Share Image
“When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
