“Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.” — Jarod Kintz Birds Copy Share Image
“Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.” — Jarod Kintz School Copy Share Image
“My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“The word "the" is 2/3rds he. I'm not being sexist, merely statistical.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather own something that’s worth millions to nobody, than something that’s worth nothing to millions.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll… — Jarod Kintz Withhold Copy Share Image
“Some people put more thought into what kind of car to buy than what kind of mate to marry. I think that's… — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The word “Building” makes a completed structure seem under construction. Once a building is finished, it should be called a “Built.” Similarly,… — Jarod Kintz Architecture Copy Share Image
“As a way for both of us to make money, I’ll hold you hostage, while at the same time, you’ll be holding… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did I spell the word “did” right? Of course not! I got my D’s mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won't be using them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live 20 miles away from 30 miles per hour. Horses get great gas mileage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?” — Jarod Kintz Fresh air Copy Share Image
“I love women’s breasts. I love how they don’t blink when I stare at them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo is so mythical the he always likes to be the centaur of attention.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mine divided in two isn’t as preferential as a yours divided in two. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my duck eggs runny, like Roger Bannister when he broke the four-minute mile barrier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The hamper didn’t hamper my ability to hide midgets. If anything, it enhanced it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can’t spread its wings and fly, because love is an ostrich. But it can sure run fast!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
