“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as Swift as Taylor. You’d better shoot it down before it flies away. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When he introduced himself as Dewey, I said, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Decimalsystem.” — Jarod Kintz Dewey Copy Share Image
“If it looks like you have pink eye, I’ll take a look at it. Drop your pants and bend over.” — Jarod Kintz Pink Copy Share Image
“I don’t make love. But I do have it made in China. It’s just more cost effective.” — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“My love is useful, and my love is for sale. (Batteries not included).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Fingers, or Frida Kahlo?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Flip flops Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me… — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what to say, so I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is… — Jarod Kintz Conspiracy Copy Share Image
“I can see why they say golf is an expensive sport to play. If you have to drop a nickel on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Queen always seemed to me to be manufactured championship music—designed to be played in stadiums to get fans hyped up about paying… — Jarod Kintz Champion Copy Share Image
“I’ll dine on apple flesh and cinnamon, while feeding you one line after another. Some lines will have salmon hooked on at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The closer I get, the faster I have to go. Otherwise, I might be late to the very place where I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets.… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“I am the red wheelbarrow of communism. William Carlos Williams wrote a poem about me.” — Jarod Kintz Communism Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility. ” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Television isn’t a substitute for a babysitter, but the microwave is. Mmmm cooked babies!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“100% of half the people I talked to agreed with me a quarter of the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I'm a natural politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rather than dirt, I’d rather push a wheelbarrow full of books. Dirty books.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I carry on about how much you love me, and I carry on my love like it’s carry-on luggage.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
