“Every home needs a woman’s touch. My penis also needs a woman’s touch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my books, I do everything short of writing my own reviews. Those I do tall.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I pitted two ditch diggers against each other, to see who could dig a pit the fastest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll jump off a bluff, or a cliff, so don’t call my bluff, or call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try… — Jarod Kintz Affection Copy Share Image
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.” — Jarod Kintz Sex sells Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss… — Jarod Kintz Kiss Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy… — Jarod Kintz Empty mind Copy Share Image
“I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other… — Jarod Kintz Ghost Copy Share Image
“You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I'd respond, "It's like eating scrambled eggplant with… — Jarod Kintz Sunny side Copy Share Image
“One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d imagine if you called me Cherry Cheeks, it’d make me blush like a salad.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Of my own accord I want to learn the accordion, according to a cord (not a chord).” — Jarod Kintz Accordion Copy Share Image
“My bedroom is a bit small for my taste. For my taste, I prefer the kitchen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.” — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.” — Jarod Kintz Glows Copy Share Image
“The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.” — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
