“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every other Tuesday?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When your clothes are aren’t, I’ll be there trying to get invisible with you.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.” — Jarod Kintz Balloon Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher… — Jarod Kintz Teacher Copy Share Image
“During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I don’t put my name and address on the return address section of an envelope. I simply write “Surprise!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Bowel movements Copy Share Image
“I converted my mechanical toothbrush into an electric screwdriver. Now it more comfortably fits the contours of my urethra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“You could say I lost my cool when I got heckled, but I wasn’t cool to begin with. Man, those nursing home… — Jarod Kintz Knitters Copy Share Image
“You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket can be a statement—a generalization and truism covering a multitude of categories, like corruption, ineptitude, ignorance, arrogance, greed, and sloth—which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The answer is three, I said as I held up three fingers—my middle through my pinky—and I formed a loop with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Best spent so much time eating grass that he began to think he was a cow. But that still doesn’t excuse… — Jarod Kintz Bestiality Copy Share Image
“If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery.… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Masturbation Copy Share Image
“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Gandhi Copy Share Image
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection. ” — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.” — Jarod Kintz Collapse Copy Share Image
“Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Seattle Copy Share Image
