All Conan O'Brien Quotes
- The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed! Been
- There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? Christmas
- Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in… Campus
- The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. Breasts
- Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting… Envisioned
- Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq Dependents
- Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only… Coleman
- Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't… Al
- By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You… Church
- Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the… Abortion
- President Obama , I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.'… All
- Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. Birth
- In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah,… Allegiance
- Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person… Arnold
- The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the… Bill
- President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive… All
- Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, 'What? I'm looking… Activist
- Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID… Bright
- Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay… Advice
- Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab… Angry
- MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months.… Abruptly
- The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing. Bill
- At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.' Another Trillion
- President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we… Celebrate
- Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush. Book