All Conan O'Brien Quotes
- President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage… Assembly
- A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that?… Believe
- Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since… American
- President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama… Ann Coulter
- In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now… Been
- Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning. Cartoon
- There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. ... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your… Changing
- Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's… Admitted
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they… Arnold
- The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever… Abstain
- The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans. American
- The mayor of Newark, N.J. wants to set up a citywide program to improve residents' health. The health care program would consist of a bus… Bus
- If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk. Drunk
- It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. Defines
- I'd kill for 'somewhat frosty.' Frosty
- Ladies and Gentlemen this fellow combines the classic stylings of a 1950's robot with the dynamic flair of a 1970's street pimp....that's right, boys and… Boys
- Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said… Announced
- The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.' California
- George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy. Clooney
- San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not. America