Conan O'Brien Quotes

151 quotes in 2323 categories

• The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
• There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
• Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in…
• The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
• Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting…
• Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq
• Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only…
• Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't…
• By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You…
• Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the…
• President Obama , I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.'…
• Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.
• In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah,…
• Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person…
• The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the…
• President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive…
• Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, 'What? I'm looking…
• Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID…
• Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay…
• Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab…

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