Billy Connolly Quotes

78 quotes in 1058 categories

• I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
• I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
• So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
• All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good…
• What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they…
• Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
• I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing,…
• I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
• I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
• Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
• Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
• Braveheart is pure Australian shiteWilliam Wallace was a spy, a thief, a blackmailer - a c**t basically. And people are swallowing it. It's part of…
• What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to…
• Don't vote, it only encourages them.
• The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex.…
• American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive…
• I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea.…
• The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

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