Andy Borowitz Quotes

46 quotes in 538 categories

• Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
• Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
• Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
• Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
• If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
• Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
• Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
• It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
• The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
• Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
• Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
• Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
• If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
• Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
• We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
• The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
• Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
• All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
• As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
• On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

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