Andy Borowitz Quotes
46 quotes
in 538 categories
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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