Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
