When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
