President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
