“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My writing doesn’t improve if you think it’s great, and it doesn’t lessen if you think it sucks. Likewise, you not showing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a parent, I would feel like nudity should not be on the back of any magazine. No, it should… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The days float on like a feather in the wind, but at the end of the week, I’m still a chicken. Taste… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
