Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children:… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
