I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
