Jokes Quotes · Page 147

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

— Anonymous

People get so weird when you put your fingers in their nose.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

— Ron White

“Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

For starters, let's dispense with the cheap jokes about cannibalism. That means cracks about giving an arm and a leg - sorry…

— Mitchell Zuckoff

“If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.”

— Kimberly Novosel

R2-D2 is like that, but I think because he doesn't speak actual words, his jokes don't land. It's really a hindrance. And…

— Alan Tudyk

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something…

— Norm MacDonald

Norbit operates on the principle that vulgarity is automatically funny. Crassness doesn't need a joke attached because it is (in and of…

— James Berardinelli

I had an awful joke about Auschwitz I drove everybody crazy with that joke. But that joke makes me feel good. You…

— Chantal Akerman

There are things you do when you're writing that are so fun to do it's almost like they're private jokes that are…

— Chad Harbach

I remember on the pilot of 'Will and Grace' some executives from NBC saying to me, 'There are too many gay jokes.'…

— James Burrows

The mind may be reluctant to think properly when thinking is all it is supposed to do; the task can be as…

— Alain de Botton

Water jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way!

— Mehmet Murat Ildan

I went up on stage, and said, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To check out the chicks." I was a…

— Gabriel Iglesias

Here's a tip. If you touch a girl, even as joke, and she pushes you off, leave... her... alone. Don't touch her.…

— Jay Asher

Writers tend to hate recurring characters; there's this writer snob thing about it. But I don't have that. I feel like the…

— Ana Gasteyer

I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.

— Julia Sweeney

I joke that if she [Debbie Wasserman Schultz] could find a 3 a.m. slot in the Home Shopping Network, she would grab…

— Jonathan Tasini

I just wanna say one thing.

— Nikhil Saluja

Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not…

— Lord Chesterfield

Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I dont talk about it too much in the press is because…

— Matthew Perry

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

— Paul Rudd

Life compulsively dangled the possibility of life. Life, the dramatist on speed. Life, that couldn't stop with its foreshadows and ironies and…

— Glen Duncan

I am never happy when I finish a book. I always start feeling good, and then I get to about Page 75…

— Sarah Dessen