I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
