If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison;… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith - 'I'm gonna put a boot in their ass.' If you don't do that,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Republicans say that sex is bad, because with them it always is. It is!...I'm sorry, but they're just doughy, asexual, wonky, white… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Old Testament, is really one of the most wickedest books you'll ever come across. God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in? — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: All Fox News employees must now refer to President Bush as "my liege". If they are going to treat President… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on...you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
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