I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
