Hilarious Quotes · Page 4

I'd love to do a comedy. Umm, I don't know when that will happen - maybe when I'm, like, 80 or something.…

— Lena Headey

“With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor…

— Flann O'Brien

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

— Benjamin Franklin

You should be smart enough to understand how dumb you are!

— Anonymous

My mum is hilarious. My dad was very, very funny too.

— Roisin Conaty

I think I'm hilarious.

— Carl Nassib

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

— Jay London

Honestly, my dating life according to the tabloids is very exciting, and the most hilarious thing is that it's nowhere near as…

— Margot Robbie

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

— Denise Richards

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

— Bill Watterson

“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

My opinions are like farts; So hard to hold em in, and when one slips everyones gonna know it and at least…

— Anonymous

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

— Woody Allen

“Why are you staring at my boobs? My face is up here,” Trudy exclaims. Jack, the hotel employees, and I jump back…

— Stephanie Hale

People will send me tweets or texts, 'Yo, I'm at Red Lobster now and they're playing Mayer Hawthorne,' more of that kind…

— Mayer Hawthorne

“Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun…

— Derek Landy

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

— Lance Armstrong

“Has anyone ever told you that you're unbearably rude?" she returned, facing him again. "Why, yes. You have on several occasions, as…

— Suzanne Enoch

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

— Bob Thaves

The Marx Brothers isn't subtle, and that's hilarious.

— Martin Freeman

Girls be like: Noooooo, you hang up first! I be like: *click*

— Anonymous

“My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.”

— Ziad K. Abdelnour

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and…

— Ben Berger

Little sister: Dad! I Wash the dishes! Father: Really!?Thats my good girl!And what does your Elder brother do? Elder brother: I help…

— Veronica Daaco