Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

— Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

— Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

— Jay London

I model irregular clothing.

— Jay London

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

— Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

— Jay London

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

— Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

— Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

— Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

— Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

— Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

— Jay London

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to…

— Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

— Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

— Jay London

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

— Jay London

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

— Jay London

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

— Jay London

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

— Jay London

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

— Jay London

People read me but they don't subscribe.

— Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

— Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

— Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

— Jay London

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

— Jay London