I guess you could say I'm the redemption of the fat man. A guy will be watching me on TV and see… — Mickey Lolich Copy Share Image
I'm of the mindset that most people who have kids are, which is, 'Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm… — David Cross Copy Share Image
A lot of kids are broken, and it's hard for them to believe in anything. But you have to have an imaginative… — Torii Hunter Copy Share Image
Oh, hey, Claire,” she said, and blinked. “Where are you going?” “Funeral,” Shane said. On-screen, a zombie shrieked and died gruesomely. “Yeah?… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
I think there was a lot of working out the arc of how Manny [Daniel Radcliffe] talks. Scene to scene [in the… — Paul Dano Copy Share Image
Sometimes airport security people recognize me. I'll go through the whole screening process and at the end they'll go, 'Hey, man, I… — Reggie Watts Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
It wasn't like a "I know I wanted to do this," I was sort of just - I was five and my… — Drake Bell Copy Share Image
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Hey Lord... Whatever I done... Don't strike me blind for another couple ah minutes. — George Kennedy Copy Share Image
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with… — Craig Kilborn Copy Share Image
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Yeah, I am in love. I'm definitely in love. She picked me up in a bar, actually. She walked by and just… — Darren McMullen Copy Share Image
Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going,… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
Hey." Her grin grew as she glanced from me to Nash, then back. "You're blocking the fridge." "There's a cooler in the… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says,… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
There was a time in my life when being dishonest with women was the natural way to be. I finally said, "Hey,… — Al Pacino Copy Share Image
It's always the thing when you're shooting out and about with real people and you could get a couple of bogeys like… — Joel Kinnaman Copy Share Image
I don't necessarily not believe in ghosts, but I've never seen a ghost. A ghost has never jumped out and been like,… — Sara Paxton Copy Share Image
We've learned over the years that if we wanted we could write anything that just felt good or sounded good and it… — John Lennon Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I first joined SAG, there was another John Reilly. My dad was John Reilly, too, but growing up I was John… — John C. Reilly Copy Share Image
