It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end… — Richard Jeni Country Copy Share Image
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of… — Richard Jeni Bits Copy Share Image
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the… — Richard Jeni Bunch Copy Share Image
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that… — Richard Jeni Affair Copy Share Image
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and… — Richard Jeni Candle Copy Share Image
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much… — Richard Jeni Brain Copy Share Image
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni Chairs Copy Share Image
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a… — Richard Jeni Bunch Copy Share Image
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was… — Richard Jeni Bullshit Copy Share Image
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a… — Richard Jeni Advertising Copy Share Image
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a… — Richard Jeni Alive Copy Share Image
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach… — Richard Jeni Amway Copy Share Image
The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats? — Richard Jeni Fighting Copy Share Image
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni Friendship Copy Share Image
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is. — Richard Jeni Each day Copy Share Image
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni Fighting Copy Share Image
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut… — Richard Jeni Anti valentine Copy Share Image
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing… — Richard Jeni Bags Copy Share Image
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. — Richard Jeni Ifs Copy Share Image
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it. — Richard Jeni Important Copy Share Image
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about… — Richard Jeni America Copy Share Image
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a… — Richard Jeni Acceptable Copy Share Image
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird! — Richard Jeni Bird Copy Share Image
