Be you Quote by Richard Jeni

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death.…

— Richard Jeni

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

— Richard Jeni

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but…

— Richard Jeni

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

— Richard Jeni

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders…

— Richard Jeni

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

— Richard Jeni

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

— Richard Jeni

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda…

— Richard Jeni

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person…

— Richard Jeni

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You…

— Richard Jeni

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks…

— Richard Jeni

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science…

— Richard Jeni