Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And… — Richard Jeni Acting Copy Share Image
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die… — Richard Jeni Animal Copy Share Image
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get… — Richard Jeni Boring Copy Share Image
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. — Richard Jeni Activity Copy Share Image
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke! — Richard Jeni Broke Copy Share Image
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks. — Richard Jeni Bucks Copy Share Image
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see… — Richard Jeni Cases Copy Share Image
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? — Richard Jeni Carrots Copy Share Image
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example. — Richard Jeni Bathroom Copy Share Image
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million… — Richard Jeni Brooklyn Copy Share Image
That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the… — Richard Jeni Danger Copy Share Image
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half. — Richard Jeni Firsts Copy Share Image
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong? — Richard Jeni Belief Copy Share Image
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will. — Richard Jeni Dream Copy Share Image
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'? — Richard Jeni Choices Copy Share Image
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two. — Richard Jeni Epidemics Copy Share Image
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less… — Richard Jeni Birth Copy Share Image
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans… — Richard Jeni Angel Copy Share Image
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any… — Richard Jeni Accidents Copy Share Image
I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice… — Richard Jeni Argument Copy Share Image
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at… — Richard Jeni Beach Copy Share Image
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up… — Richard Jeni Covered Copy Share Image
Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but… — Richard Jeni Care Copy Share Image
