Funny Quotes · Page 1,526

Vanessa: [with Lisa] A friend of ours is being beaten by her husband and we want to know what we should do.…

— Madea

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your…

— Lewis Black

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool' funny person. I don't…

— Chris Lilley

I'm shocked by how many young people get their news from The Daily Show and proud to say I get mine from…

— Anonymous

Eastward I go only by force; but westward I go free.

— Henry David Thoreau

I have pain; but I have peace, I have peace.

— Richard Baxter

“Felicia- Tell me, are my whiskers on straight? Cora- I truly never thought I'd be having that question asked by my daughter,…

— Jen Turano

It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to…

— David Lange

I often question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.

— Darynda Jones

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first…

— Dave Barry

Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief. Then I wouldn't have to talk to you.

— Katharine Hepburn

I’ve never known a man who loved me.

— Sufjan Stevens

I remember nearly having a fit of the giggles during the reading because dear Daniel was SO respectful and serious and I…

— Madeleine Stowe

A day will Finally Come wen the Whole World will Celebrte ur Name,ur Fame,ur Thoughts,ur Ideas..Bt u hav to wait for 10…

— Hasfa

“How much did bro tell you?" "Bro?" "The White King.”

— Samantha Young

I don't wear ties to work. And I don't shave.

— Mark T Bertolini

You have to love parents.

— Anonymous

My life has been the poem I would have writ, But I could not both live and utter it.

— Henry David Thoreau

Creativity is basically subversive. . . .

— Dan Wieden

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel…

— Jim Gaffigan

It takes nothing to encourage an artist.

— Kevin Smith

Don't tell me you're my friend. Act like one.

— Yolanda Foster

One of the worrying aspects of anxiety is you start to think, 'It's what makes me interesting or funny.' But it's actually…

— Rebecca Front

Dont base your decisions on the advice of people who dont have to deal with the results.

— Hussein Nishah