Dear people who update their Facebook status every 30 seconds, there's Twitter for a reason. — Amy Copy Share Image
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass. — Blondie Copy Share Image
Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I can't remember what I ate for breakfast. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Use your smile to change this world. Don't let this world change your smile — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Something is wrong with our government when I see people using food stamps and an iPhone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It seems like only people doing REALLY well in life post those Facebook status updates where every third letter is randomly capitalized. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Rain falls because, the clouds could no longer handle it's weight, just like tears fall because the heart can no longer handle… — Tanya Bianco Copy Share Image
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Gahhh! I just made a big mess, now the floors are gonna be sticky... (shutup I spilled my sunny D. ) lol… — Syoung Copy Share Image
Mom: I see that you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Old meaning of sorry. I wont do it again. New meaning of sorry. Damn I got caught, next time I need to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I would always want to believe that while I'm awake at night thinking of u, u are sound asleep dreaming about me… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Out of all the things I have shoved into my glove compartment, not one of those things has ever been gloves. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I open a text and mentally respond then forget to actually respond. — The Blog That Describe Your Life Copy Share Image
I can go an entire day without Facebook, but I've never made it through an entire weekend. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Typical Beer Pong Game: 5% playing Beer Pong. 95% chasing the ball around the room. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wish my wife would blow me as much as she blows little things out of proportion. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Though we adore men individually, we agree as a group they're rather stupid. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I drank so much beer that I feel like I can ejaculate a unicorn in full sprint. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Who else sneaks in their own candy to the movie theater? 10$ for a bag of Skittles, no thanks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A girl prepares your fridge football season. The woman just wants you on her tight end. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
R.I.P LeBron James Ringless Jokes 2003-2012 But, Welcome Hairline Jokes 2003-FOREVER — Kiana JWilson Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you realize you've been mispronouncing a word your entire life... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you try to explain a song but dont want to sing it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Closes facebook opens up Instagram* *scrolls* *scrolls* *closes Instagram* *opens up facebook — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
My ex boyfriends facebook status said 'Suicidal and standing on the edge.' ...So I poked him. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Its amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have learned that sometimes SORRY is not enough. You actually have to change yourself. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
