My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“To know the narrative in advance is to turn yourself into a machine,” the Manager continues. “What makes humans human is precisely… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“There are only two places to get robbed: TV and the real world. On television you get your stuff back. In the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I started typing diary in, I don't know, 1978 or '79, but then the computer changed that a lot. Because with the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
¦ [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The offices were like a national holding center for the trainably banal, occupied by people who decorated their cubicles with quilted, heart-shaped… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
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