When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
