I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead." — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. — Mitch Hedberg Clock Copy Share Image
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Cold Copy Share Image
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Basketball Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at… — Mitch Hedberg Being yourself Copy Share Image
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what… — Mitch Hedberg Charity Copy Share Image
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your… — Mitch Hedberg Advantage Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Adults Copy Share Image
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. — Mitch Hedberg Candy bar Copy Share Image
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus." — Mitch Hedberg Circus Copy Share Image
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. — Mitch Hedberg Blackjack Copy Share Image
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. — Mitch Hedberg Alcoholics Copy Share Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. — Mitch Hedberg Flyer Copy Share Image
