I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot! — Mitch Hedberg Athlete Copy Share Image
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep,… — Mitch Hedberg Djs Copy Share Image
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Action Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of… — Mitch Hedberg Leadership Copy Share Image
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
