I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead." — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? — Mitch Hedberg Hippopotamus Copy Share Image
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Acting Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Cold Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Beavers Copy Share Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is… — Mitch Hedberg Attention Copy Share Image
I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
