“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.” — Mitch Hedberg Escalator Copy Share Image
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? — Mitch Hedberg Apes Copy Share Image
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. — Mitch Hedberg Flyer Copy Share Image
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. — Mitch Hedberg Caring Copy Share Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Cds Copy Share Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what… — Mitch Hedberg Charity Copy Share Image
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can… — Mitch Hedberg Actors Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Basketball Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at… — Mitch Hedberg Being yourself Copy Share Image
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . .… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely'… — Mitch Hedberg Fathers Copy Share Image
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus." — Mitch Hedberg Circus Copy Share Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. — Mitch Hedberg Candy bar Copy Share Image
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. — Mitch Hedberg Blackjack Copy Share Image
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. — Mitch Hedberg Alcoholics Copy Share Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. — Mitch Hedberg Ice Copy Share Image
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" — Mitch Hedberg Finding yourself Copy Share Image
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
