I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg Bird Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg Alcohol Copy Share Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg Actresses Copy Share Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. — Mitch Hedberg Gatorade Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Aka Copy Share Image
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions,… — Mitch Hedberg Cry Copy Share Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless… — Mitch Hedberg Chaos Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Accidents Copy Share Image
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me,… — Mitch Hedberg Friends Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be… — Mitch Hedberg Apology Copy Share Image
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. — Mitch Hedberg Ice Copy Share Image
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" — Mitch Hedberg Finding yourself Copy Share Image
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. — Mitch Hedberg Books Copy Share Image
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg Dreams Copy Share Image
