If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. — Mitch Hedberg Baseball Copy Share Image
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg Blackjack Copy Share Image
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions,… — Mitch Hedberg Cry Copy Share Image
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're… — Mitch Hedberg Children Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me,… — Mitch Hedberg Friends Copy Share Image
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be… — Mitch Hedberg Apology Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg Depressing Copy Share Image
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. — Mitch Hedberg Alphabet Copy Share Image
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. — Mitch Hedberg Joke Copy Share Image
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg Dreams Copy Share Image
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. — Mitch Hedberg Birthday Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Frisbee Copy Share Image
