How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that… — Mitch Hedberg Adhesive Copy Share Image
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.… — Mitch Hedberg Business Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's… — Mitch Hedberg Flower Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if… — Mitch Hedberg Apples Copy Share Image
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but… — Mitch Hedberg Angling Copy Share Image
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I… — Mitch Hedberg Anger Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Candle Copy Share Image
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a… — Mitch Hedberg Baby Copy Share Image
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many.… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an… — Mitch Hedberg Alcohol Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Addiction Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've… — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
