Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not… — Mitch Hedberg I am sorry Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Burritos Copy Share Image
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard… — Mitch Hedberg Cigarette Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Audience Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Brain Copy Share Image
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Ants Copy Share Image
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Faces Copy Share Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried… — Mitch Hedberg Argument Copy Share Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried… — Mitch Hedberg Fitness Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to… — Mitch Hedberg Body Copy Share Image
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see… — Mitch Hedberg Cameras Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've… — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
