I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but… — Mitch Hedberg Carefree Copy Share Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,… — Mitch Hedberg Apples Copy Share Image
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to… — Mitch Hedberg Business Copy Share Image
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're… — Mitch Hedberg Children Copy Share Image
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . .… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely'… — Mitch Hedberg Fathers Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" — Mitch Hedberg Commercials Copy Share Image
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want… — Mitch Hedberg Fish Copy Share Image
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how… — Mitch Hedberg Bad decision Copy Share Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like… — Mitch Hedberg Fashion Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
