I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Roses are red violets are blue, What made you think I wasnt playing the game too, I said I love you, You… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you.… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed?" she jeered. "Jokes? No,no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everything starts with writing. And then to support your vision, your ideas, your philosophy, your jokes, whatever, you've gotta perform them and/or… — Mel Brooks Copy Share Image
Counting down till Halloween so I can scare the little kids that knock at my door with my ultimate Saw mask for… — Mariana Copy Share Image
It's a difficult line to tread, where sometimes you go to the movies or you watch someone do publicity for movies or… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Most of the people dishing out judgment have no working experience of the theatre, have not written a professional play, a sketch,… — John Lahr Copy Share Image
It might reasonably be maintained that the true object of all human life is play. Earth is a task garden; heaven is… — Gilbert K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that… — Meghan Daum Copy Share Image
I remember the first joke that I made, which went over terribly. I was at my cousin's birthday party in Brooklyn. I… — Zach Woods Copy Share Image
What you never want to do is have a story that doesn't track emotionally, because then you're going joke to joke and… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that… — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
Rush hour brings out the worst in some people. They make faces, gesture, yell, call names, bump you with their car, and… — Jennifer James Copy Share Image
And keep a sense of humor. It doesn't mean you have to tell jokes. If you can't think of anything else, when… — Art Linkletter Copy Share Image
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Boss: Where were you born? Sardarji: India .. Boss: which part? Sardarji: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India . — ZhatsPrincess Copy Share Image
Candidates should be extremely cautious in displaying a sense of humor. If he or she tells a joke with a point, there… — Jack Germond Copy Share Image
Lully's machine, Mill's fear and Lasswitz's chaotic library can be the subject of jokes, but they exaggerate a propensity which is common:… — Jorge Luis Borges Copy Share Image
If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Twitter is just a great joke laboratory. You go in there and there are so many witty people that I know any… — Michael Kupperman Copy Share Image
I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
They always prided themselves on looking youthful. “Forty’s the new thirty,” they’d joke. Until heartbreak and grief enter your life, and then… — Melina Marchetta Copy Share Image
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting. And she'd let me lick the beaters.… — Marty Cohen Copy Share Image
Well, there are conjoined twins in real life and we can tell a story about them so long as they're not the… — Bobby Farrelly Copy Share Image
You're basically on set to help the production. You're helping the actors make it make sense, or maybe you wrote something that… — Katie Dippold Copy Share Image
Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Etgar means "challenge." And my family name is Keret, which means "urban." So my name is "urban challenge." My joke is, it's… — Etgar Keret Copy Share Image
Cigarettes are an instant signifier in culture. It punctuates a joke, or puts that extra zing on a punch line. I like… — Martha Plimpton Copy Share Image
I don't like people doing jokes about disabled people for no good reason, but I can still understand why they do them. — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to entertain people, or make them smile, or tell a joke that would make them laugh. I don't think… — Chris Demetral Copy Share Image
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not… — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
I think one of the funniest things about '30 Rock' is that Liz Lemon is sort of like Buster Keaton - she's… — Cristin Milioti Copy Share Image
Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star. — Dana Carvey Copy Share Image
I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for… — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it. — Eartha Kitt Copy Share Image
I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the… — Rachael Ray Copy Share Image
