People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
“I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
“If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.” — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
