Hilarious Quotes
489 quotes by 386 authors
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
— Isaac Asimov
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I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call…
— Christian Bale
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
— Douglas Adams
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
— Dave Barry
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
— Dave Barry
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
— Dave Barry
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Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.
— Samuel Beckett
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Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
— George Ade
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I find the female tragedy of insecurity to be hilarious. We get obsessed over issues like the tiny skin tags on our backs or that…
— Lake Bell
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
— Milton Berle
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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
— Yogi Berra
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You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
— Yogi Berra
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If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
— Yogi Berra
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The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
— Yogi Berra
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how…
— Elayne Boosler
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I often look ridiculous in Japan. There's really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly.…
— Anthony Bourdain
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Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit, while their own…
— Jo Brand
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The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly…
— Jo Brand
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In my third husband I had discovered a blissfully laid-back type who thought it nothing less than hilarious when I misread the map on the…
— Julie Burchill
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
— George Burns
Who Wrote These Hilarious Quotes
386 authors contributed a total of 489 Hilarious Quotes, led by these top contributors: