Hilarious Quotes

489 quotes by 386 authors

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call… — Christian Bale
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. — Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. — Dave Barry
Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick. — Samuel Beckett
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. — George Ade
I find the female tragedy of insecurity to be hilarious. We get obsessed over issues like the tiny skin tags on our backs or that… — Lake Bell
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. — Yogi Berra
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. — Yogi Berra
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. — Yogi Berra
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase. — Yogi Berra
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how… — Elayne Boosler
I often look ridiculous in Japan. There's really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly.… — Anthony Bourdain
Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit, while their own… — Jo Brand
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly… — Jo Brand
In my third husband I had discovered a blissfully laid-back type who thought it nothing less than hilarious when I misread the map on the… — Julie Burchill
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. — George Burns

Who Wrote These Hilarious Quotes

386 authors contributed a total of 489 Hilarious Quotes, led by these top contributors: