Best Hilarious Thoughts
489 Hilarious quotes by 372 unique authors
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The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
— Robert Graves
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
— Lewis Grizzard
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Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
— Joseph Conrad
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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury…
— Norm Crosby
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I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.
— Daniel Craig
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The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
— Quentin Crisp
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
— Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a…
— Rodney Dangerfield
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Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
— Jim Davis
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
— Les Dawson
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
— Ellen DeGeneres
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I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
— Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
— Ellen DeGeneres
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Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
— Ellen DeGeneres
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Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
— Marlene Dietrich
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
— Phyllis Diller
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down…
— Phyllis Diller
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When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
— Peter Drucker
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
— Albert Einstein
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Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
— Sam Ewing
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you…
— Mitch Hedberg
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I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
— Audrey Hepburn
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
— Katharine Hepburn
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
— Bill Hicks
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If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay…
— Tom Hiddleston
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Who Wrote These Hilarious Quotes
372 authors contributed a total of 489 Hilarious Quotes, led by these top contributors: