Best Hilarious Proverbs
489 Hilarious quotes by 372 unique authors
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If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
— Wilson Mizner
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If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
— Marilyn Monroe
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I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.
— Jim Morrison
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Justin Timberlake is the single most talented human being I've ever met in my life, and it sickens me. He is, like, 12 years old…
— Mike Myers
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
— P.J. O'Rourke
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There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
— Camille Paglia
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A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy…
— Claude Pepper
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My wife, a schoolteacher, very disciplined. If you think I'm tough, trust me, and wait till you see when the children are on the naughty…
— Gordon Ramsay
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It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
— Ronald Reagan
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It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
— Ronald Reagan
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There's so much joy in doing comedy work, and that's one of the reasons I like to do it - because it's just a hilarious…
— John C. Reilly
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
— Joan Rivers
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
— Joan Rivers
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
— Chris Rock
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
— Will Rogers
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
— Will Rogers
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All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
— Will Rogers
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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.
— Helen Rowland
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A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
— Rita Rudner
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The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
— Mark Russell
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At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is…
— Richard Russo
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A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.
— Francoise Sagan
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all…
— Jerry Seinfeld
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
— Jerry Seinfeld
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Who Wrote These Hilarious Quotes
372 authors contributed a total of 489 Hilarious Quotes, led by these top contributors: